Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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