What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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