Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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