someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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