Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
