so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
