why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
why does every cop we meet know your name?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
