Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
