I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
