A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
