I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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