Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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