i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
