at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
