i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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