The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
