Will you blow on my dice?
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
