The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
