i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
