I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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