y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
