remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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