We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
