after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
