there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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