Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
