Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
