I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
