Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
