your parents love me but you hate me
thus making me awesome and them whores
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think people are normalizing furries
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
