Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Randomize