I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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