she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
