Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
