and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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