Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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