Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize