Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
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