Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
