I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize