Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's shark week go big or go home
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
