I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
