I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
What a dumb baby whore.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
