i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize