I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
