Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
