As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
