peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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