i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
