At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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