I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
false alarm, still single
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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