New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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