so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
