I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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