im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
