Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
