I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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