I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
