Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
