i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
