If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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