I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
