i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
