I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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