This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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