Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
