Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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